Matt Walsh is a morally preening blowhard who does not know Scripture and is ignorant of reality

Matt Walsh recently wrote an article titled: Dear Millennial Men, Don’t Be Afraid of Marriage and Fatherhood, another subtle hit piece designed to shame men into marrying up without regard to the inherent dangers of marrying in this day and age.

He writes:

I can look at my life up until this point and separate it into two distinct halves: childhood and manhood. Childhood ended and manhood began precisely when I became a husband and then a father.

He attempts to qualify that statement by indicating that it’s not exactly ideal when one doesn’t finally become a man until he marries, and yet the rest of the article derides single men for being cowards, allowing their fear to dictate their lives, the unspoken assertion being that indeed, men really do not become TRUE men until they marry. The message is clear then: you’re only a REAL man when you take on the responsibilities of marriage and raising a family. He makes certain exceptions in an effort to be balanced, but it’s obvious that he believes the vast majority of Christian single men today abstain from marrying for purely selfish, adolescent reasons.

This is so at odds with what the Apostle Paul wrote about singlehood:

But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. (1 Corinthians 7:32-34)

Paul wasn’t trying to be critical of those who were married, he was instead speaking to the realities that marriage and family can often consume one’s life so entirely that matters of Christianity become secondary. A man’s family comes first before he starts to think about the things of God. It’s interesting that Paul felt this was more of a stumbling block for Christians than that those who remained single would devolve into Peter Pan man-childs. It was Paul’s preference then that people would be more like him in regards to being single, so the distractions of familial responsibilities would not constantly sidetrack them. I believe it’s even possible to turn it into a form of idolatry too, because we all esteem family to be a noble calling, it’s so easy then for that to blind us from recognizing when it in essence becomes idol worship.

This doesn’t fit Matt Walsh’s narrative though, so he completely ignores it, instead focusing on encouraging (read: shaming) men into marrying so they can finally stop shirking their obligations to work, duty and sacrifice. It dovetails with the phenomena I continue to see in today’s churches, where men who have divorced multiple times are still treated with more respect than those who remain single. Divorce is somehow perceived as a lesser sin than a man who looks to avoid leaving behind a trail of ruined marriages and families to begin with. It’s stunning. It all stems from the stereotype that many people continue to perpetuate (whether they admit it or not), that just by virtue of marrying and having kids, this automatically validates them as being selfless, noble creatures willing to sacrifice their lives for The Greater Good, and hence morally superior to those who are single. And yet the Bible (thankfully) continues to dispute this notion. The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked, marriage or not. I’m glad I serve a God who makes “no respect of persons” then, and does not judge me based on what my marital status is.

Walsh also writes:

We’re men; we’re supposed to be the leaders. We’re supposed to take the reins, not just in our families, but in society as a whole. Sure, feminism has made many in our culture hostile to masculine, assertive men, but that doesn’t mean we should just surrender and take a back seat. In truth, even most of these deluded feminists still fiercely and quietly yearn for a man who will come into their lives and be that protector and leader. These roles are natural and ingrained, fundamentally desirable to almost everyone, and it’s up to us to reassert them. Nobody will do it for us.

What an incredibly dangerous thing to say. Women have free will as well, and to assume one merely needs to be a manly man and they will all fall into line is just horrible. I’ve known men who married hoping their leadership or devout beliefs would by default create a stable marriage and family, instead they wound up divorce-raped and destitute, accused of domestic abuse, relegated to being weekend fathers, and sometimes not even seeing their children again because their ex-wives turned the kids against them. There’s nothing admirable about recklessly endangering one’s self by marrying up whoever comes along and naively believing it will all fall into place just because your intentions are good.

Is it really smart to rush into a marriage with any woman just so Matt Walsh won’t have teh sadz? Wouldn’t it be prudent to marry WISELY instead? Walsh can’t seem to wrap his mind around the possibility that GOOD marital prospects are so rare now that I firmly believe we live in a time when we must draw on God’s divine assistance to help us find a good match. Rather than try to find a match on our own (which can often be wrong because we allow emotions to cloud our judgments, and because we’re only able to form conclusions based on what we can observe), it would seem more sensible to ask God to grant us supernatural wisdom and guidance to navigate this dangerous minefield, so we don’t end up marrying the wrong person and hence destroying our lives as a result.

It’s a shame that Walsh only wants to acknowledge the symptoms rather than the cause of the family breakdown today. Once upon a time we had only the responsibilities of marriage to worry about, but now it has been corrupted by our laws, courts, entertainment and even Christian leaders who continue to launch one-sided attacks on men as the cause all and be all of everything wrong with marriage today. Is it any wonder that so many men are “going Galt” now? Only the Lord Himself can help us navigate this insanity.

So why doesn’t Matt acknowledge the evil times we live in and encourage single men to seek the Lord in prayer instead, so if we’re meant to marry, we can do so wisely and with the peace of knowing we are operating within God’s divine will? Doesn’t one prove their selflessness by putting God ahead of everything else, including marriage? Because ultimately, Walsh is ignorant of the Bible, has demonstrated little concept of who God really is, and has allowed his judgment to be shaped by the culture he lives in.

For those looking for answers, I know this much: Only God knows why we make the decisions we do, why we abstain from marriage (or not), and whether the reasons are altruistic (or not), and only He can reveal what’s truly in our hearts. It only makes sense then to seek Him for all the answers, in all earnestness, to give us wisdom in all things, and more importantly the peace in knowing we are within His will, even when the world tells us we are wrong. He will not leave us rudderless, especially in an evil time where we need His direction now more than ever.

Matthew 6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Marriage: The bell you can’t unring

I stumbled across a series of videos called Divorce Corps that highlights some of the abuses of the divorce/family court system in America.  Here’s one of them:

One of the reasons I’m so nitpicky about dating and marriage is that if things go wrong, I leave myself wide open for litigation that could literally drain my finances till they ship me off to the nursing home (or the looney bin, whichever comes first).  I simply have no defense for it (unless I was possibly rolling in tons of money and had a private jet that could take me to a country with a no-extradition treaty).  It also underscores the dangers of dating single moms, where men not only expose themselves to the risks of lifetime alimony, but also to paying decades of child support for children that are not theirs.

I’m still amazed at how I continue to be accused of being selfish for my reluctance to put my head on the chopping block at the behest of women who enjoy the benefits of a legal system that favor them at least 7 times out of 10.  I don’t believe I’m being selfish here, but I do believe I have a very healthy sense of self-preservation.

The reality of modern marriage has forced a cultural expansion of men who have become noncommittal, not because they’re ALL unwilling to be faithful and settle down, but because the risks have now absurdly outweighed the benefits.  One has to use razor-sharp intuition and top-notch vetting to avoid those women who at first might seem sweet as sugar and harmless as doves, only to morph into demonic hellspawn that will rain down nuclear fire on men for the most trivial or nonsensical of reasons.  (Our marriage just isn’t exciting anymore!)

As I contemplate the merits of marriage I wonder if I’ll ever be able to completely trust whoever I’m with.  Is it really possible to experience true love in a world where a loaded gun is perpetually pointed at my head?

That reality has helped me understand why we’re seeing an ever growing demographic of bachelors and players/pickup artists.  Short-term flings are not merely a quick way to experience sexual gratification and an artificial sense of romantic love without actual commitment, it’s also the safest way.  They simply have too much to lose otherwise.  Actions do indeed have consequences, and the actions of a feminist crazed society has wrought a lopsided divorce system that has all but ensured men who value commitment will become an endangered and perhaps even extinct species.

It’s tragic that most women will do nothing to change this, and even fail to connect the dots.  Compounding things even more is their notoriously fickle nature, by making their emotions the sole and authoritative arbiter of all that is right or wrong.  They FEEL, therefore it IS.  If they FEEL love, then it IS love, but if they FEEL unhappy, then that is also so.  Those who live this way will only stay in a marriage for as long as they FEEL happiness and love.  If they no longer do, they will not hesitate burn it down and salt the remains, then move on to their next emotional high.  Marriage for them is not a commitment for life, but an emotion.  How could we ever truly trust people who behave this way?

Too many women (and men to a lesser degree) let their emotions dictate their actions, yet the mark of wisdom is to recognize this pitfall and learn how our actions can dictate our emotions instead.  This is why it makes me so uneasy to see women who no longer “feel” a certain way about a man just… give up.  They don’t focus on the actionable nature of love and trust in its power to restore the feelings they so crave.   In short, they lack both patience and faith.

As a Christian, I have to accept that the true measure of love (and the romance that springs from it) will only be found to be genuine when it endures a fiery testing.  Romance is wonderful and something I crave beyond measure, but it masks the harsh realities of how much work it takes to build a successful relationship, work that takes both time and sacrifice, something very few people are willing to give.

And perhaps not without good reason.  We all have our fallen traits, our besetting sins, but who can know what’s in a person’s heart?  I may improperly judge a woman to be wicked, wayward, backslidden, not realizing that God is working in her a heart to please Him and that she would be one of the rare few who would take her marriage vows seriously and work to overcome all obstacles.  And yet I won’t persevere in pursuing her because I can only go by what I see.  We do indeed judge according to the appearance, but unless we are given a revelation about what is truly in a person’s heart, it’s often all we have to go on.  It is why we constantly choose our spouses poorly all while rejecting those whose hearts have been refined as gold tried in the fire.  The world will discard this as utter nonsense, but those who profess the name of Christ have access to the throne of grace, where we serve a Creator who is able to give wisdom abundantly to all who ask of Him and is certainly able to reveal to us the nature of a person’s heart (if we’re willing to listen).

Could I ever personally find my happy ending then?  All I know for sure is that I simply could not survive in this world without the hope and trust that God will direct me accordingly.  If I don’t have Him, I have nothing: no faith, no hope left that I’ll ever meet a girl who is meant for me, and I would succumb to the life of a perpetual and secular short term dater who will never make that leap to secure the woman of his dreams.  For in his world, there are no happy endings.

Can soulmates make the wrong choice?

Been having a discussion with one of my blog commenters that had me thinking about soulmates.  I don’t believe in the idea that there is only ONE TRUE SOULMATE out there for every one of us, but as a Christian I do believe there are certain people that God means for us to be with.

There are several examples in Scripture showing us that God does indeed play a role at times in bringing man and woman together, beginning with Eve:  “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. – Mark 10:9″

From there, we see God either guiding others, such as Abraham’s chief servant to find a wife for Isaac (Genesis 24) and even instructing one of his prophets to marry a former adulteress (Hosea 3).  Proverbs also describes a prudent wife being from the LORD as well. (Proverbs 19:14)

In other examples we can see where God does the inverse, telling us who NOT to marry.  Whether it’s who to marry or who not, there’s enough biblical evidence to show that He doesn’t sit idly by while we blindly grope in the dark looking for THE ONE.

At the same time though, I also believe it’s possible to reject God’s providence and counsel, and just marry whoever you please.

Which leads me to the obvious question: does this mean whoever God had in mind for me might have already rejected me, or chose not to wait and is now married to someone else?

The funny thing is I was watching a Once Upon a Time episode (yes I know, but I can’t stop) where precisely that scenario took place: a fairy guided a woman to her soulmate, but she chose not to go through with the introduction and ran away instead.  Later on, the same fairy tells her how selfish her act was.  Perplexed, she asks the fairy how it could have been considered selfish.  “Because you didn’t just ruin your life,” the fairy says.  “You ruined his as well.”

Makes you wonder.  Although considering the omnipotent nature of our Creator, it’s also wholly possible that He would foresee this rejection and pair us with someone He knows WOULDN’T reject us.  Where His providence begins and our free will ultimately begins is always going to be something of a mystery.

One thing I do know for sure, it’s probably the hardest thing ever for those unmarried men and women to fully trust God to bring someone in their lives as they continue to get older while everyone around them pairs up, despite so much of it being a facade.  (That happy go lucky couple you just saw sucking face at Starbucks will more than likely divorce or call it splits down the road.)  I understand though why so many just throw up their hands and marry the first person they find that pays any attention to them.  But I’ve seen how the often disastrous consequence of doing that can seriously ruin people’s lives, and sometimes not just their lives, but the lives of those who had nothing to do with the relationship.  I don’t want to be one of those people, so I’m holding out for as long as I can.

Is a peaceful and drama-free marriage possible?

I think the closest (and married) people in my life pretty much did their level best to singlehandedly destroy any hope whatsoever of me ever experiencing a drama-free and happy marriage.  People with successful marriages too, mind you.

They ruined me. RUINED ME I say.

To which they argue: Nyet nyet, they destroyed nothing… besides a fantasy.

But I AM my fantasy! Or… my fantasy is me? Well something like that. I’m sure that makes sense to somebody around here. Or at least the idealism and fantasy of hoping and believing a peaceful marriage was entirely possible.

To which a married friend replies, “Once there was an episode of X-Files, where Mulder found a genie that lived in a lamp. And he wished for peace…

…and every single person on the planet besides him disappeared.”


You know, the first 30 years of my life contained enough drama to span 10 lifetimes. My life then was like being trapped in an episode of General Hospital, but where the video gets stuck and I wind up reliving the same insufferably melodramatic scene, over and over and over and over again.

Quite frankly, I had enough. I need quiet, peace, still waters, wisping clouds and gentle breezes. As an introvert, I crave it, yearn for it, pine for it.

But sadly, as I have come to learn from the enlightened sages of my generation, this affinity for peace and quiet is really a reflection of my desire to suppress women and perpetually keep them in the dark chains of patriarchal bondage and despair.

No, seriously, there’s actually an article out there that says this. The desire for peace and quiet is apparently a male trait that is in truth a subconscious need by male brutes to keep women from making themselves heard. Or at least that’s sort of the conclusion this clearly enlightened feminist arrives at after reading the NYT article, “I’m Thinking. Please. Be Quiet.”

And yet. Something off-putting lurks behind Prochnik’s whole Mr. Darling “a little less noise there” routine. Maybe it’s just that the expectation that one can work in pin-drop quiet feels very … male, or at least alien to a lot of women’s experience. We’ve usually got a colleague asking us for help with the copy machine (we’re supposed to be the office team players) or a kid crying in the other room (we log more of the child care hours) or a floor to vacuum (ditto the housework hours). Generally, we’re taught to deal with these distractions rather than demand a lofty silence befitting our magnificent alpha brains.

I give up. Clearly I’m not smart enough to understand the introvert’s deference for quietude is in reality just another battlefront in the WAR AGAINST WOMEN!!11!eleventy!!

A girl runs from a guy giving flowers
A girl’s reaction to my suggestion that we spend a quiet afternoon at the local arboretum.

So lesson learned: asking for a quiet and peaceful marriage is a clearly sexist and grotesquely chauvinistic thing to do.  I’m sorry.  I truly apologize.  I shall now attempt to rectify this egregious error and learn how to reintroduce as much drama back into my life as possible, using tips I pick up by watching the last few seasons of New Girl.

When you come to the horrific realization that A) Marriage takes work and B) Women are crazy

As I grew up and watched marriages around me implode in epic Chernobyl-like nuclear meltdowns, the eternal optimist in me refused to believe that would be my fate as well.  Any future marriage I had was going to be all sunshine, rainbows and lollipops.  Why?  Because, LOoOOOoooOOoooOve!

Prancing under rainbows
The thought of my dream girl makes me so happy, I just need to prance!

Like a sappy Peter Cetera song, my future wife and I would dance and twirl to a magical land of marital bliss and happiness that would overcome all obstacles and trials, our souls forever intertwined as one.  She would be my bestest ever friend, a doe eyed beauty who knew me so through and through that she could complete my very thoughts.  There would be no misunderstanding, no sense of loneliness, no melancholy over having to face a cold and cruel world alone.  We would overcome, together.  A love so powerful it could be made… out of nothing at all.

Out of nothing at all…

Out of nothing at all…

Some might say my notion of marriage could be considered a tad… idealistic.  (Just a smidgen.)  I would scoff at these disgustingly vicious, jaded haters.  What did they know?  I remained convinced I alone KNEW the ingredients that would make a GREAT marriage, my expertise largely being derived from knowing the words to virtually every love ballad that had ever been produced during the 80s.  I was well schooled in TRUE love, yo.

But then, somewhere along the way, something strange and alien started to permeate my fantasies of resting my head on my beloved’s bosom while I sipped hot cocoa and watched old episodes of the X-Files on Netflix.

I asked my best friend what might be this unwelcome and perverse feeling I have intruding into my wondrous fantasies of what I knew would become my marriage someday.

“I believe that feeling you’re experiencing is a little something called reality.”

Oh, no.  Not that.  ANYTHING BUT THAT.

Guy Flailing

But alas, sooner or later, I was going to have to come to grips with it.  The marriage in my head was not going to reflect the marriage I would actually have.

A marriage that requires hard work, dedication, sacrifices and putting her before myself.  It would no longer be about me anymore: it had to be about US.

Well sure, I get that.  Nothing worth having in this world comes easy after all, amirite?  Regardless of the costs, I knew the benefits would be WELL worth it.  Like Jacob’s fervent love for Rachel, the sacrifices of gaining my beloved’s hand in marriage would be a prize well worth pursuing.  No mountain was too high to climb, no valley too low, no river too wide to swim across.   SHE WOULD BE WORTH MY LIFE.

Right?  Right???


As my idealism slowly gave way to my long neglected but still persistent logical side, I started to engage in a more serious cost/benefit analysis of marriage.  Was it possible that I could actually get LESS out of a marriage than what I put into it?  Would the costs outweigh the benefits?

I thought it was telling when I reflected that marriage was an investment in a previous post I wrote here, and a female commenter wanted to know why I would consider a marriage an investment.  That mere comment right there spoke VOLUMES.  It was the unspoken assertion that marriage isn’t in fact an investment that would reap dividends, but a black hole of responsibilities and burdens.

In Helen Smith’s book, Men On Strike: Why Men Are Boycotting Marriage, Fatherhood, and the American Dream – And Why It Matters, she breaks down some of the most compelling reasons why men would be hesitant to marry.  It starts with the loss of friends, space and freedoms, and concludes with the high risks of losing your kids and your money while being subjected to a hostile family court system that overwhelmingly favors women.  The risks of divorce is at least mitigated if you marry a virgin (the chances are a good 80% that women who were virgins at the time they married will be in a stable marriage.)  Women closer to my age though will likely not be virgins, so the probability here drops from 80% to just over 50% and gets worse the greater their sexual history.  Just having one sexual partner prior to becoming my wife means the marriage has a 1 in 2 chance of failing.  A flip of the coin is all that separates me from potentially losing… everything.

A man shedding tears
She took everything from me, even my Matchbox cars!

In her Huffington Post article, Smith concludes:

“Is this good for society? Probably not, as falling birth rates and increasing single-motherhood demonstrate. But people respond to incentives. If you want more men to marry, it needs to be a more attractive proposition.

But rather than make marriage a more attractive proposition, the trend is to shame the ever living boondoggles out of men.  Shame them up, shame them down, shame them round the merry-go-round.  Nonstop, 24/7 shaming.  Men who are purposefully single are selfish, self-absorbed, despicable scum sucking creatures of epic suckballs of suck whose standards are ridiculous and unrealistic, and the ONLY way they can prove they’re not is to MAN UP and MARRY UP.  Marriage is hard, but see, if you’re a REAL man, you won’t mind the sacrifices you have to make.  So get up off your fat, lazy bagshambos and start making babies with that lonely twice divorced single mom of six who just needs someone to love her!

So, yeah, ok, I get that marriage is hard.  So what are women doing for their part to make it more attractive?

Well, nothing actually.

That doe-eyed beauty I’d fantasize about who would be my bestest friend evahs??  Well, it turns out the real life version of her would probably be a bit more… neurotic.  The sort who would breathe epic nuclear fires of flaming death from her nostrils if I forget to take the trash out.  The kind who creates drama that could fuel a thousand soap operas because this here pencil was two inches out of place on my desk, not because she’s particularly upset about the pencil mind you, but because she just needed to FEEL something.

The kind who fitness tests me despite the fact that I’m already her husband, just to make sure I’m still man enough to make her tingle.

The kind who gets on my heiny-ho every day to emotionally open up to her, and then when I finally do, she reacts with revulsion and disgust.

The kind who has been reared by a culture that has beaten into her brain that women are morally, mentally, spiritually and even physically(???) superior to men in every shape, form and way.  The kind who absolutely will not take responsibility for anything she says or does because she is never, ever, EVER wrong.

The kind who doesn’t bring anything to the table because she feels just her very mere existence should be more than enough for me.

The kind who, after I’ve had a long day of work dealing with all kinds of grief with crazy coworkers, appalling incompetence, belligerent bosses, tremendous workloads, finds me unwinding on the couch with my iPad… and thinks that’s the only thing I did all day.

The kind who thinks the highlight of our marriage was our wedding day.

The kind who throws an absolute fit when I play a video game for 30 minutes, but expects me to understand she needs time to herself when she goes out with the girls for an 8 hour long shopping spree (complete with a lovely evening at the local spa.)

The kind who thinks my dog that I’ve loved and cared for since it was a pup is too big and too hairy and that I need to get rid of it, and then lay guilt trips on me by forcing me to choose between her and the dog, (and if I TRULY loved her it would be an easy decision.)

And the worst part of it?  She won’t do anything to change her behavior.  Her church will take her side. Her family will take her side.  Even that homeless guy down the corner who’s homeless because his ex-wife took him for everything will take her side.  She won’t change because again, the problem isn’t her, it’s me.  It’s ALL me.

This is the kind of woman our society churns out like homemade butter.  What man in his right mind would sign up for this?

Really?  Just… really?

See, the doe eyed girl of my fantasies would be worth fighting for.  She’s worth making 20 babies with and handing all my credit cards to (because my heart doth safely trust in her.)  A mere smile from her would inspire me to do things I’d never think I could do otherwise.  Nothing is impossible, no dream beyond reach.  I’d run faster, work harder, leap higher than I’ve ever leapt before, all for her.  I would give her the world.  I would give her my life.  She’s worth all that, and more.

But the doe eyed girl of reality?  Yawn.  She’ll be inspiring alright, inspire me to check out the latest video game deals on Steam that is.  Besides, such a girl would hardly need me to fight for her.  She’s like all strong and independent, yo.

There’s a saying,  “A bachelor looks before he leaps – and then does not leap.”  More and more men are taking the time to look before they leap into marriage, and deciding that the institution of marriage today offers very little incentive and a whole LOTTA disincentive.  Aside from sexual access (LOL, excuse me, I meant occasional sexual access) there just isn’t that much there.  And as a result men are checking out en masse and going Galt, so to speak.

So where does that leave me?

I think for one thing, I’ve gained a new sense of appreciation for my life as a single.  I don’t see it now as a punishment but as a blessing from God.  My singlehood has the benefit of giving me space to learn how to be a man at my own pace, enjoying the kind of life I’d NEVER be able to enjoy as a married man, and sparing me the grave and literally life ending consequences that arise from marrying poorly.

To whom much is given, much is required, but because I have not been given a wife, I’ve not been required of either.  My burdens are light, my life is free of drama, and my home perpetually quiet and free of strife.  I have an ample income that permits me to dote on myself and scores of free time to spend as I please.  And I thought God was punishing me?  I’m an idiot.

Captain Kirk Slapping Self
Snap out of it, man! The single life is AWESOME!

Does this mean I’ve sworn off marriage?  Despite everything I wrote:  NO.  I’m just not going to go bat crazy trying to find a wife.  Instead I’m accepting that the Lord has seen fit to give me this time to myself, to grow in Him and enjoy the fruits of my labors, and when the time comes that He DOES put someone in my path, I’ll be ready for it, walking in faith that any marriage He ordains for me will not be a marriage made in vain.

Till then, I shall party like a single righteous dude drunk on the whiskey of freedom.  *thumbs up*

Chewbacca Mellows Out
It’s good to be the king.

Exegeting Proverbs 18:22 (How I misread the meaning of “find”)

When it comes to finding a wife, I was using Proverbs 18:22 as proof positive of the belief that I needed to exert as much effort as I could to successfully find a woman worthy of marrying (and who saw me worthy of marrying too.)  I pulled this verse out again when having an argument with a dear friend who said I needed to learn how to wait on the LORD instead of taking matters into my own hands, using it once more to refute my friend’s point.

But then I went back and re-read the verse carefully, and for the first time I realized I had been too presumptuous about the meaning of the word “find.”  According to Hebrew’s lexicon, the word here is matsa’ (transliterated), and carries a variety of related meanings (based on the Hebrew tense Qal):

  • to find, secure, acquire, get (thing sought)
  • to meet, encounter
  • to learn, devise
  • to come upon, light upon
  • to happen upon, meet, fall in with
  • to befall

What the word indicated more than anything else was a state of discovery, yet I misinterpreted “find” to mean “to actively seek after,” which was not what the verse was indicating.  Had the writer meant whoever actively sought after a wife would find a good thing, he likely would have used the word “baqash” instead, which is translated, “to seek to find.”

After all, one can find or discover something without actually looking for it (which is essentially what the word “encounter” means). I’ve seen this verse used before to chide people for not actively looking for their future spouses, but it seems clear to me it wasn’t meant to be conveyed that way to the reader.

So does this mean I should no longer actively seek a wife?  No, I don’t think I’d agree with that either, it only means I no longer have the biblical justification I thought I once did to comb the entire world until I finally find my bride to be.

Some things really are better left up to God to handle, especially when it pertains to something as life changing and important as marriage.  But rather than go from one extreme to the other (from exerting all human effort to meet someone, to hiding out in the closet and expecting the world to be handed to me), it’s better that I focus on renewing my faith in the LORD’s promises to give to those who ask of Him, and mentally preparing myself to be a good husband and friend to whoever God sees fit to bring into my life.  Beyond that there’s no use fretting over things that I ultimately have no control over.

Is the LORD among us, or not? Believing God for the impossible

One of the things that I’ve been doing lately was reading the many articles and blog posts about the state of marriages and relationships today.  While Christian singles have been all but abandoned by the churches, we also face a deteriorating culture that has ingrained poisonous ideas about masculinity and femininity into us, causing men to behave more like women, and women to behave more like men.

The net result is that our western world has become a veritable wasteland for any well meaning Christian who is seeking to marry a decent spouse equally devout in the faith.  To personally address this, I’ve read and received much advice about what I could do to make myself more attractive to women: how to talk, how to behave, how to dress, how to be more like a man, along with advice on where to look:  dating sites, singles groups, volunteering, going abroad and meeting foreign women, who to date, who not to date, what age range is acceptable, what age range is not acceptable, and on and on.

Most of it constructive, much of it sensible, but in all of that I kept wondering:  Where is God in all of this?  Is there an unspoken assertion out there that the LORD is sitting idly by while we continue to grope in the dark looking for that elusive pearl of great price?  Is He not a God of love and mercy?  Is it not in His power to make that search easier, especially as we draw nearer and nearer to the end times?

In my mind, I knew the truth of seeking God first before I could seek “her,”  but it’s one thing to know something intuitively, it’s quite another to actually LIVE it.

And while I was given a word and a vision, certainly enough to believe that there is indeed someone out there who would be my wife, the truth was, I didn’t really believe it.

I may have wanted to, but nothing I did afterward reflected this.  I simply did not live my life under the expectation that I would be meeting her soon.  Instead,  I wallowed in unbelief.

Many sins God will forgive, but unbelief is the sin that ultimately keeps us out of the Promised Land.  (Hebrews 3:12-18)  If He made a personal promise to me, then how can He reward me if I don’t believe it?

I was putting the cart before the horse.  I wanted to see something first, then I would start believing.  I needed some morsel of evidence to indicate that all was not lost, that despite the harrowing prospects of a single man my age, I could still end up happily married.  Just give me something, LORD, a little something to convince me she was real.

But the thing was, He did give me something:  His word.  That should have been enough.

And that’s when I finally understood: there’s a greater issue here than merely trying to find a wife in today’s climate, and learning to be more masculine.  I needed to believe God for the IMPOSSIBLE, and I’m sure you’d be hard convinced to find a more impossible scenario than the prospects of finding a godly mate in today’s world.  And yet this wasn’t about the impossibility of finding a mate and achieving a happy marriage anymore:  this was about my faith.

And our God, even our God is able to perform the impossible.  Even if I didn’t FEEL like it was going to happen, I still needed to ACT in faith that it would.  After all, faith isn’t about what you feel:  it’s about what you DO.

And while I feel my heart agonizingly ripping in half and sinking into the depths of despair, I have decided that I am not going to let my emotions dictate my actions.  Instead, I’m going to walk in faith, and trust God to do the impossible.   I will live my life as if she were just around the corner, so that when she finally does come, I’ll be ready to receive her.

Walk by faith, not by sight.

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